As a professional job trainer, Vienna resident Robbie Miller Kaplan would often meet adults in their 40s or 50s who had just been laid off. While the people around them provided comfort, the words they used weren't helping those adults who were often facing an identity crisis from the job loss.
When Kaplan herself encountered a situation in which people were at a loss for words to comfort her, she decided to write a book advising people on what to say and do in tough situations. She had written several books before on job searches, but this book would reach a wider audience, she hoped.
"Loss is loss. And you have to acknowledge that loss, and support that person," Kaplan said. "No matter what you lose, you lose that sense of security. You have to grieve."
Kaplan's book, "How To Say It When You Don't Know What To Say," advises readers on how to approach and support people going through difficult situations. She penned the book after she had gone through two recent, significant, personal losses.
"I was surprised by the lack of support and some of the things that were said that were meant to be comforting, but were not," Kaplan said.
THE PURPOSE of the book is to show the verbal and nonverbal ways that people can show their support for others.
"I knew in my heart that people were not saying this to hurt people," Kaplan said. "I felt that there was a tremendous need to help people. When we do provide appropriate support, we really do facilitate healing."
Kaplan's book, which was published two months ago, lists the different losses that people could potentially encounter. While loss of a loved one is addressed in one chapter, other chapters address situations like illness, miscarriages, pet loss, infertility, adoption, physical disabilities, financial setbacks, caregiver responsibilities and personal disappointments.
"I did not understand the depths of our losses until I researched this book," Kaplan said.
Each chapter uses a real-life situation to illustrate the loss, as well as lists to explain what to do and what not to do in various situations.
"It's like an etiquette book for the 21st century," said Karla Vernon, a neighbor of Kaplan's in Vienna.
WHILE THE lists are examples of what people can do in difficult situations, they should be adjusted to the comfort level of the person giving the support, Kaplan added. For example, Kaplan likes to make a certain dish that can be frozen and reheated. She gives the dish to friends and loved ones going through an illness or a difficult time.
Other ways to show support are to run errands for a person or to call a person for several months during the grieving process to check up on him.
"I think the whole idea that people need continuing support when someone has a loss is important," said Sandee Byrne of Vienna, another neighbor of Kaplan's, who has seen her book.
Byrne added that she has passed out to friends postcards with information about Kaplan's book.
"They're all completely thrilled with the idea that somebody could put into words all those feelings," Byrne said.
Kaplan, who is still working as a job trainer, found writing this book — her ninth — to be extremely satisfying since it reaches a wider audience. Her previous books have focused on searching for a job, and resume writing. She said the feedback that she has received since the book has been out has been positive.
"I think the hardest thing is, we're almost afraid to ask for help," said Kaplan, explaining that the book would also help those who are grieving to define what they need from others. "The most important thing is not what you say, but how you listen."
Melanie Jaschke of Vienna, who is Kaplan's neighbor and a minister's wife, agreed.
"I think it's extremely timely. It's the kind of book that people need," said Jaschke, who often encounters difficult situations through the church her husband pastors. "So often, people just ignore people going through difficult situations because they don't know what to say."