It was a dark and stormy night when John Dotson crossed the last “i” and dotted the last “t” in the entry that would make him a champion. No, wait. It was a dark and stormy night when Harry Hickey managed to write the wrong pun.
Okay, so writing a terrible opening sentence isn’t as easy as it looks. It’s a skill best left to those who know what they’re doing. Fortunately, Arlington has two such masters of the pen.
Over the last two years, Dotson and Hickey each penned high-ranking entries in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. The international literary parody competition honors the memory of Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, the Victorian novelist who created the infamous opening line, “It was a dark and stormy night,” borrowed by “Peanuts” character Snoopy.
The beagle was rather kind in cutting off the remainder of the sentence; the full-length version opened Bulwer-Lytton’s 1830 novel “Paul Clifford.” “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”
It’s the “archetypal cheesy opener for a bad novel,” said Scott Rice, English Department Chair at San Jose State University. Rice began the contest 22 years ago by challenging students to write the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. He got three submissions that year. Now, he sorts through thousands each year.
OUT OF THOSE thousands emerged Dotson’s entry, which took runner-up honors this year. “The flock of geese flew overhead in a ‘V’ formation,” it read, in part, “not an old-fashioned-looking Times New Roman kind of a ‘V,’ branched out slightly at the two opposite arms at the top of the ‘V,’ nor in a more modern-looking… Arial sort of ‘V’ (although since they were flying, Arial might have been appropriate…”
Dotson, who just left a six-year career as a U.S. Naval Officer to teach English for the Episcopal diocese in Taiwan, takes the “honor” in stride. “It’s kind of a dubious achievement,” he said. He has no plans to use his winning submission as a teaching tool in his new job.
“I got the idea from a boss I had had in the past who was just crazy-obsessed with fonts,” said Dotson.
HICKEY ALSO RELIED on a technological reference to create the pun that earned him “dishonorable mention,” in the 2002 contest.
“The Sultan, having dutifully consulted with his palace sages, historians, and theologians, was finally convinced that nothing in the lore of his religion could guide him in the selection of a Network Operating System, and the conclusion was now clear to him, that though most computers in the Palace Administration should run under Windows, yet the Harem Management must be served by UNIX.”
A retired government worker and computer hobbyist, the 72-year old Hickey admits he wasn’t the first to think of the pun. “Other people have made the connection, so I thought how could I cook it up into the beginning of a ridiculous novel opening,” he said.
Success in the Bullwer-Lytton contest isn’t complicated, said Hickey. “Have a good sense as to what is a proper way to begin a story—and what isn’t—and use your imagination.”
For Dotson, it’s a little more complicated. “For the purposes of the Bullwer-Lytton contest,” he said, “Be as long as possible, be as obtuse as possible, ricochet back-and-forth between unconnected ideas, and include as much irrelevant detail as possible.”
BEING GOOD at writing badly takes skill, Rice said. The contest is fun, but it does have academic implications. “There are people who think if it involves humor it’s trivial,” said Rice, “But they’re forgetting about people like Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain.”
The best submissions handle sensitive topics in a palatable format or expose one of the ridiculous limitations of literature or the English language. One of Rice’s favorites was also one of the shortest grand-prize-winners of the last 27 years: “Edmund waited, then immediately waited again.”
Rice called Dotson’s sentence a perfect example of a “runaway metaphor,” which would be easy to convert to a proper sentence. “Just say the damn ducks were in a ‘V’ formation,” said Rice.
Winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest have ranged from military men to housewives, from the city manager of Pensacola, Fla., to a retired Texas oil man. “Whoever thought that a Texas oil man would ever have anything good to give the world?” joked Rice.
Arlington’s Bulwer-Lytton honorees didn’t get rich from their works. In fact, all they got was a congratulations and their submissions posted at the contest’s website. But the contest has become so popular, that site gets more hits than any other writing contest.
“Our winners aren’t quite as distinguished as people who win Nobel,” said Rice. “But on the other hand, their complete work is being read by more people.”