Lisa and Erik Brown beamed with pride after their oldest son graduated from high school in Northern Virginia. They hosted a post-ceremony soiree and invited a host of family and friends. The celebration was dampened somewhat, however, when a family member made an innocent, but still critical remark about the college their son had chosen.
“He’s the first person in our family to go to college,” said Erik Brown. “It was rude and disrespectful for them to talk badly about the college he’s chosen, especially in front of our other guests.”
While graduation is a time of excitement and celebration, it can also be a time of not only change but stress for many graduates and their parents. Innocent questions and comments like the Browns’ relative’s can cause embarrassment or frustration for recent graduates. Local mental health professionals offer suggestions for avoiding such a post-graduation faux pas while still expressing excitement and pride.
“When talking to a graduate, focus on their accomplishment,” said Linda Gulyn, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Marymount University in Arlington. “They should be proud of having earned a degree, especially a college degree.”
Instead of commenting on the college they selected or the major they chose, offer support and encouragement. “Rather than saying, ‘What are you going to do with that art history degree?’” said Gulyn, “an adult can offer to be a source of networking and support. They can say, ‘Best of luck. Let me know how I can support you.’”
Conversations with graduates can be adapted based on whether the person is graduating from high school, college or graduate school. “Most high school graduates know what their plans are in terms of going to college, taking a gap year or getting a job,” said Karen Prince, a Bethesda, Md., based licensed clinical social worker. “It is always good to focus on the positive and the current situation, which is a huge milestone.”
Dialogue with a recent college graduates can be more complicated, however, because some already feel pressured to have a plan in place. “It is more loaded for college,” said Prince. “It is best to ask questions that are easy to answer, like ‘What classes did you enjoy most in college? Did you know in high school that you wanted to choose that major? What made you decide on that major?’ Those questions are easy to answer because they’ve already accomplished it.”
Gulyn said to focus on the current accomplishment, not future expectations: “It’s good to say, ‘That sounds like a really interesting major. I wish I’d taken more art history classes. You must have learned about history, art and life. Liberal arts degrees can open a student’s mind and teach them to write well.’”
Gulyn adds that it is acceptable and even normal for recent graduates to be uncertain about their future plans. “I talk to my college students all the time and ask them, ‘How many of you are sick and tired of hearing now that you’re graduating what you are you going to do?’ They all raise their hands. It’s OK for a recent graduate to have no idea about what they want to do with their future. This is a time to explore. Saying ‘I have no idea’ is the right answer at this state in their lives.”
Finally, Gulyn discourages conversations that pressure college graduates to make immediate decisions about graduate school. “Students should give themselves a couple of years to make sure they are committed to getting a graduate degree,” she said. “If I had to do it over again, I would have waited until I was committed and saved money for graduate school.”